But here is why some bosses do it (not you of course) and how to stop.
How Shaming Happens
When we think about the steps we take to correct an employee’s mistake, it’s common for a boss to resort to shaming or barking orders at a person to teach him or her a lesson (and there is a distinction between being a good leader and just being a boss.). With the stress that comes with being the one in charge and feeling pressure from the bottom and the top, In fact, it isn't uncommon for a leader to think, “They're gonna learn today!” (Kevin Hart) and use more aggressive tactics to make change happen quickly.
The thing is, you may feel like you have controlled the person’s behavior in that moment. But that doesn't mean you are helping to establish new behaviors that last. That also does not mean that they will stick around to let you do it again...and as a leader you know that it costs more to retrain a current employee than it does to hire a new one. So shaming does not benefit either of you or the bottom line.
The Effects of Shaming
Shaming can fill people with fear, guilt, and disgrace. It can cause the person to feel trapped, alone, and powerless. But neuroscience tells us that it does something else: It causes the brain to react like it is in physical danger (thank you evolution), and shuts down the brain’s learning centers—the areas where memory and reasoning occur. So by triggering these feelings in the other person, you may actually be working against yourself.
So just as a puppy will avoid going to the bathroom on the rug to avoid a newspaper to the nose, the person may also avoid the unwanted behavior. But people are not puppies and it is not your job to smack them with that paper. Your job as a leader is to inspire your employees to want to do the work. Otherwise, they may avoid you and your company altogether!
Why Shaming Happens
Sometimes, when bosses shame it’s not always because they don’t care about people. Many times, it’s their style of thinking that doesn’t ascribe high value to empathy. They may attach tremendously high value to strategy, and they may have a great appreciation of boosting the customer experience. But if their awareness of empathy is low, they may be more inclined to express their thoughts without asking themself “How is this person experiencing what I’m saying? How is it making them feel?” If you want an employee to change behavior, these are crucial questions to ask. But what if it’s never occurred to you to ask these questions about yourself in the first place?
So how do you Make a Change?
This is one of the things can be explored through coaching, especially when assessment is incorporated into the coaching plan. For example, one assessment called the Hartman Values Profile (HVP) assesses an individuals value system in 3 dimentions if thinking, intuitive thinking (people), practical thinking (tasks), and conceptual thinking (systems). If you naturally place high value in practical thinking but low in intuition, the HPV will identify that. HVP is a mathematical way of measuring your thinking patterns to make you aware of how you think – and the impacts of those patterns.
An even better way to become more aware is through a tool that I use with my clients in my WorkLifeJoy 90 Day Jumpstart program. Using 5 different assessments and then pulling all of the results into a your personalized dashboard, you are quickly able to build awareness of your own thought patterns and behavioral blind spots. Then, to take it a step further, this process also works with teams! So you can not only learn about yourself, but you can get a "fly on the wall" view of your team as well to understand how to most effectively interact with each them!
You learn how to better relate to people and how they can best relate to you, how your values, norms, beliefs, and behaviors affect how you behave in workgroups, about your typical responses to favorable and unfavorable work environments, and practical ways to make use of your unique behavioral tendencies. Plus you also learn about your circadian rhythms to better understand how to use your individual “morning person” and “night owl” patterns of focus and energy.
Take Home Message
If you want to scare, anger, or drive away your employee, shame them. But if you want them to learn or be more willing to work together, shaming is the worst thing you can do. The brain simply won’t cooperate when it’s being shamed.
This crucial insight can make all the difference for a business leader. But before you can take action to change your approach, you need to be aware of how your own thinking influences your approach.
That’s why so many clients have enjoyed working through this process, because you just don’t know, what you don’t know. And nothing helps you improve interactions with others, than better understanding yourself.
If you would like more personalized support navigating work relationships or other challenges in your life, please don’t hesitate to reach out or sign up for one of my Coach2GO coaching programs today!
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